Tainted Love

My dear bloggies,

It is with a weighted heart that after such a short time together, I am leaving the blog to dive head first into monogamy.

Despite this being an anonymous blog, many of our readers know that I was thrust into the world of singledom by losing my fiancée to cancer. So the stresses of dating again after a five year relationship are made even more intense and terrifying by the fact that I’ve lost someone forever.

And needless to say, the pressure for the next guy can be daunting as I’m still healing from a loss, a canceled wedding, and learning how to rebuild and let someone in again.

As documented here, I’ve been on many dates, both casual and serious, with little to no success. I have amazing friends and an amazing family so honestly, it’s hard to impress me. Date after date with no spark was getting frustrating, and though I was trying my best to ease into this slowly, I missed having a connection with someone. I’ve had a crush or two on friends of friends, but the ones I didn’t want were interested and the ones I wanted didn’t seem to notice.

I was becoming frustrated with online dates, but I didn’t see another avenue so bad date after bad date I went collecting free meals, awkward hugs and shitty emails when I declined a second outing.

Cue the boy of interest.

There is this very adorable tattooed fella that I’ve seen around the city for years since my freshman year at VCU. Think Clark Kent with sleeves.

 Yes, I know.

What is a girl to do?

Anyways, so I’ve always thought this guy was a dreamboat and he came up in conversation after a night of dancing and drinking at Balliceaux in April when a friend of mine met him there for a drink and no sparks flew. I said “Hey! I know that guy!” and did what any drunk single girl with a crush and a smart phone would do; I added him on Facebook.

He responded with “Why hello miss! You’re familiar something awful, how might I know you?” and the flirtatious e-banter began.

 

I was still recovering and not ready to date anyone so a few months passed before he found my okcupid profile and sent me another message. We exchanged emails and then phone numbers and in the midst of my dating frenzy, I met him for a drink at Ipanema in mid-July. Four hours and three glasses of Vino Verde later, we hugged and parted ways.

 

As all of my close friends can attest, I was school girl giddy about this boy from day one but I tried my best to suppress it.

 

When you are starting over, you tend to be quite firm on exactly what you want from your next partner. Let’s just say that is putting it mildly for me. I’ve made it clear that I will not commit to anyone without a college degree (he is en route back to school for a nutrition degree) or some semblance of a plan, and he needs to be someone that can balance me.  I talked to him for hours like I knew him for years. He looked right into my eyes when we spoke; he is gorgeous, well spoken, witty and kind. So, other than a pending career, why the hesitation?

 

He has been living with muscular dystrophy his entire life. He deals with pain management and balance every minute of the day. He stopped attending VCU because of health concerns that have since passed through his dedication to health, exercise and maintenance. It’s a complicated disease that has many versions so there is a huge question mark about progression, life span, etc.

 

So naturally, the girl who just lost someone to a fatal illness wants to run in the other direction. He is more active and independent than any “healthy” guy I know, he has his shit together, and we cannot predict the health or future of anyone, so I wanted to keep him as an option but I kept dating around. I could not deny a very intense connection with him from the moment we met, but I was terrified of falling for someone so soon and someone with a scary ‘what if’ so the bad dates with other guys continued.

 

Weeks went by and the e-duds continued. I finally took him up on the offer for a second date (after canceling once) to watch a movie at my house.

 

He smells fucking amazing. He dresses perfectly. My incredibly picky/protective gay bff was rooting for him from the beginning. And he made the first move! No one EVER makes the first move with me. And it was over from there.

 

We had a party at our house the next weekend and he mingled with my friends perfectly, he didn’t judge when I accidentally got sloppy and snuck away to go to sleep before embarrassing myself. Cue awesome drunk sex twice and both admitting how much we both really like each other.

 

Even with all of this, bloggies, I was still being an idiot and holding back. We casually dated until September 2^nd when I told him I wasn’t ready to commit and wanted “to go on a few more shitty dates to reassure myself that I’m ready to commit” and NATURALLY he walked out of my house and didn’t speak to me for most of the day.

 

The plan that Friday was for me to make him dinner, so I spent the day pouting and lecturing myself and I didn’t think he’d keep our plans but I bought food to make dinner just in case.

 

In true gay bff fashion, I listened carefully as mine lectured me for thirty minutes in our kitchen starting with “people don’t tell you this very often, but you are being RIDICULOUS” and continued to remind me that connecting with someone like this so quickly with my high standards is rare and needs to be seized upon. He told me to stop being scared and stop wasting my time with guys that aren’t fighting for my attention when I have an amazing guy right in front of me.

 

And as the stars aligned, I receive a completely random text message from my co-blogger in all caps “JUST DATE HIM ALREADY” and I was verbally hit on the head and my senses returned.

 

Long story long, I took the plunge and it feels perfect. Lesson learned from this whole year of loss and healing and new beginnings can be applied to any situation.

 

Appreciate the people around you every single day as you never really know what is around the bend. Being logical and pragmatic are great but there is nothing wrong with letting a good thing happen and taking it day by day. Focus on getting what you want and it will happen. It just may not come in the package you expect. And if you have someone in your life that you want more from, demand it or walk away. They, like me, will figure out you are too good to lose. Or they won’t and that will be a clear answer for you.

 

As we learned from my late fiancée, life is incredibly short to waste on mediocre connections and keeping people that challenge you and make you better at an arm’s length. Stop wasting time. You deserve so much more than that. Surround yourself with people that make you a better version of yourself every day. The rest will work itself out.

 

So that’s the story!

 

But oh tainted love, I cannot quit you. I’ll just be writing from a new angle. J 

 

Happy dating!

 

Xo Anne Perkins

P.S. He just grew a beard for me. You are all invited to the wedding.