Tainted Love

Break-Up Songs That Don’t Suck

Here’s what you’re going to do: You’re going to pick a really rainy day to break all of your millionaire ex’s floor-to-ceiling windows in their mansion while their pool overflows. Do a little Matrixdance on their furniture with those muddy feet. Hire an attractive prostitute with the most prominent hip bones you’ve ever seen to pull on your lips with her mouth while you video tape it. When you drive her to the house, make sure she stays in the back seat so there’s no confusion about whether or not it’s a date. Said prostitute must have a tramp stamp. As long as you realize you will probably go to jail for this, you’re in the clear!

They never deserved you.