Tainted Love

Starting to wonder if this was about dating or just a one-girl-with-a-boyfriend and one-girl-who-sleeps-alone blog? Yeah, I was too.

I have gone on a lot of bad dates. I haven’t been liveblogging any recent ones because, as I hope you know, I’m not a terrible person looking to tear men to shreds. But a small part of me wanted to so I would at least be entertained by the thought that tumblr was suffering along with me! 

In an attempt to get back out in the dating world and see what all the hubbub is about, I reinvigorated my online searches, asked out a few people in person (that’s right! IRL!), and really tried to get into it. I primped (ladies with significant others, revel in your ability to not shave your legs daily if you don’t want to! It’s winter, damnit!), I planned (many, many synced calendars and confirmation texts, I was my own admin assistant), I booked my schedule so air tightly that I was so glad most dates involve food or I wouldn’t have had time for it!

I’ll sum up some of my bad dates throughout my dating life and get into the nitty gritty down the line. Not everything listed is a bad thing, but it’s what I remembered from the date, so don’t jump to all of those “that’s so shallow!” conclusions, mmkay?

Questions and comments are encouraged, as always.

Man #1: No job, hasn’t found a job that’s worth his time, doesn’t like food, lives in parents’ basement, doesn’t like pets, doesn’t read, doesn’t like art, wants to join a 5th (or 6th or 7th, who knows) band, asked me to listen to his band, band is very bad.

#2: Very wealthy, flaunted his income within 15 minutes of meeting me, got very drunk, told me about felonies, made fun of people with tattoos, smelled my wine reeeeeally deeply like he owns a vineyard, doesn’t “understand” marriage or commitment, very complimentary towards me, talked shit about other women, ordered dessert and liked to talk about food.

#3: Didn’t want to divulge any personal information, doesn’t like the general comedy genre, business-like, great facial hair, enjoyed making fun of me, quizzed me on musical knowledge.

#4: Frat boy, loves Natty Light, very stubbly face, I didn’t like his name, baggy pants, just wanted to make out in a mall parking lot.

#5: Got very drunk and slept at my house, asked to model my underwear, explained that he was about 15 lbs. heavier than normal but if we started having sex he would try to eat better, astounded by piercings and thought they were the weirdest concept, told his dad about me immediately, terrible posture, shaved his entire body.

#6: Talked about his mom’s current battle with cancer (heartbreaking but very TMI, like a pity maneuver), has a yell-laugh, visited me at work repeatedly but talked to me primarily via text, wants to get married very very very soon so his mom can go to his wedding because she has cancer, talked some more about cancer.

#7: MBA student, has one very pointy tooth, thinks tattoos are weird, didn’t talk much, called after the date and didn’t really say anything, asked if my hair color was real, added me on facebook right away but (shocker) didn’t post anything.

#8: Met in traffic court, took me to coffee at Panera, had a pregnant girlfriend.

#9: Invited me over and immediately left the room to poop, came back and asked me if he smelled like poop, had glasses with pads that were so stretched out they had no chance of staying up on his nose, touched my shoulder gently as he told me he wasn’t looking for a “serious thing.”

#10: Met in a hot tub when I was sort of on a date with someone else (who turned out to be some kind of drug dealer who asked me to have sex in a school bus that his mom drove), tongue ring, had a black eye from a fight but told me it was something more benign, favorite restaurant was Taco Bell, the last I heard from him was when he tried to explain why he was in love with a girl in her early teens, threatened to kill himself, I called the cops. 

When it’s all written out like that, I sort of shake my head and say, “what is my life?!”

More details later, folks. Tell me what you want to know.